Madrid was much different than I thought it would be. I'm learning to travel without expectations-- life tends to woo you much more that way.
So I make playlists for every place I've been in-- the songs I listen to while I walk the streets of Barcelona or trek to the German grocery stores or wait for the Tube. I like to associate music with certain places/emotions-- because, once that moment or place has passed-- I can revisit them through those songs. These playlists are sort of time machines for me. There's this one song by First Aid Kit called "Shattered & Hollowed". The lyrics really got me.
I am in love and I am lost
But I'd rather be
Broken than empty
I'd rather be
Shattered than hollow
...
Now I am tired but resolute
That I'd rather be
Striving than settled
I'd rather be
Moving than static
I even remember where I was when I heard those lyrics for the first time-- which coffee shops I was passing & which streets I wandered. I was on this hill in Madrid with my friend Jonah making some music... we laid down & looked at the stars. There's something about looking at the stars that makes you contemplate your own constellations of thought-- connecting stars of emotions & nebulas of memories & clusters of theories. We pondered the idea of ignorance being bliss. It's a question I think many people face: would it be better if I had not known _________?
It's truly a valid question. Would I prefer to go back to a place where my heart didn't know the ache of abandonment, my mind didn't question what made up my reality, my ears hadn't heard words of hatred? Yes, we learn, but my God- it hurts. C.S. Lewis once said: "Experience: the most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God, do you learn".
Experience gives wisdom but takes innocence. It's a trade. As I sit in the Stansted Airport in London at 3 am waiting for my next flight, I still have yet to decide whether or not the trade is fair.
But then, while walking past worn down doors & their faithful cobbled stone street neighbors, I heard those lyrics: "I'd rather be broken than empty, shattered than hollow".
There's something in my heart that knew the tune of that song. It sang along. It wasn't cheerful, but it was honest. It was a duet-- an understanding of the truth we both believed. I would rather be broken that empty. I looked up synonyms for empty: useless, desolate, purposeless. These made sense to me. If I'm empty-- I have nothing to offer. Then I looked at a separate definition which used the synonym, "unburdened".
It's true. If something's empty, it has nothing to lose. Literally. There's nothing there to risk. There is no burden to fear carrying. I think it's so important to recognize that being empty in this sense isn't a terrible thing.. it's simply safe. It's a valid option.
I'm not supporting the route of emptiness or ignorance or safety, but I want to make it clear that it is an option. It's an option people will take, & it's important to respect the path people choose for themselves. Here's the flip side: the brokenness.
I've written about brokenness so much in the past. It fascinates me, because it's a uniting condition amongst us humans.
To be willing to experience is to put yourself in the path of arrows, swords, armies. You may get crushed-- I can assure you that there will be injuries, but scars give way to the grandest stories. I have a scar on my finger from when a New Zealander taught me how to open a beer bottle with a lighter on my birthday at a fountain in Barcelona. It hurt & low key got infected, which I had to deal with in Madrid, but it's such a fun story. Every time I look at it, I'm reminded of that night. The memories associated with scars may elicit joy or grief, but they perpetually serve as a memento. A memento of lessons learned, songs enjoyed, beer bottles opened, etc.
It's dangerous to explore-- whether it be the world, another person's heart or your own beliefs. It's dangerous because it forces you out of where you've always been. To commit to a lifestyle of movement, exploration, searching is to commit to the possibility of breaking. I'm learning that the fear of breaking isn't enough to stop my heart from exploring the terrains of myself-- the dry lands of my insecurities, the mountain ranges of my dreams, the oceans of my love.
It's a valid question: would you rather be empty or broken, shattered or hollow, striving or settled, moving or static? I know all of those words denotes something negative, but living is uncomfortable & often difficult.
One of my favorite quotes is by Tolkien:
“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
It's dangerous to leave what you've always known. There's adventure out there & dragons & armies & foes & beauty & friends & pain & all of the above. The good is often mingled with the bad, but they compliment each other-- in a way that light could not with light, nor darkness with darkness. Your feet may get cut & bruised, but you will never again understand what it is to be empty. Emptiness becomes a distant memory once you have tasted the glory & the feast of experience.
May we brave enough, humble enough, quiet enough & honest enough to ask ourselves the things we'd rather be.
Further up & further in,
Brie
