COMING BACK TO SELF
Be gentle with my words that trip over you
I've never walked these fields
Their terrain is nothing like I'm used to
Your laugh is nothing like the soundtracks of footsteps walking away the world has had on repeat.
Be patient when my eyes scream words my mouth can't find. I'm still learning how to see. I'm still learning how to sing. I'm still learning that my silence is what mutes you.
I would say I'm afraid, but the lack thereof is what makes me watch videos of you in my mind like reruns of my favorite home video.
Be bold with the embraces you give. My feeble bones are just adjusting to the motion of being wanted. The breaking is so sweet.
Forgive me if you catch me looking in your eyes like I'm memorizing you. It's just that you're a song I'm afraid I'll forget & if I just focus enough when you play, maybe I'll be able to hear you once you're tired of my song being a bit off key
Forgive me if I make moats behind the walls you're working on taking down. It's just that no one has tried to before, & I don't know if inbuilt them to protect myself or because what's inside isn't a castle, but the ruins of too many raids & too little feasts.
Be weary of my smiles. I've gotten so used to the mask that I'm not sure how to take it off. I fear that when you see my one broken heart, you'll want to put my smile back on. Bandaids over amputated limbs.
Sprinkling cans over wildfires.
If you're going to let me down, give me a warning. I won't be upset. I won't be afraid. I will dance in the memories. I will rejoice in the laughter. I will send my expectations away with enough water for the journey. You are worth the risk of seeing my one broken heart in the mirror of your eyes. If only to be seen.
If only to be known.
I will transcribe the lessons I have learned into a book with a dedication to myself-
Here’s to the beats of my heart I cannot find words to Bring to life:
Dedicated to all of the words that have come & gone in between my coming back to self.